Pam's New Blog

Pam's going to take off on her own with a blog, so you won't have to keep up with who's writing in what color.

Steady as she goes

It's been a long while since I posted, but that's because there's been no news to report. No news is GOOD news! But today the news was even better. Last week I got my first 3-month CEA test. I had it done in Mexico, so it took a week to get the results in. Pam was on pins and needles for the whole week, and was very worked up as we went in to the doctor's office to get the result. When we got there, the nurse didn't give us the result, but instead referred us in to see the doctor. Uh oh. The last time that happened the news wasn't good at all! He said "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

Pam was in agony. She dreaded the bad news with all her heart. This is the doctor, remember, who first diagnosed me. He delivered that worst of all possible news in just the same manner. I jumped in and said "Give us the good news, doc." The good news was that the CEA test result was 2.43! (Remember that less than 5 is normal for former cancer patients, and less than three is normal for everyone else.) Woo hoo! After that, what possible news could be bad? "The bill!" Pam didn't think his joke was very funny, but the good news was too good to let it get her down.

It's definitely a relief. If my radiologist's dire warning had come to pass, and my head tumor was just the first of many recurrences that would come faster and faster, then a high test result would pretty much spell the end of the line for me. On the other hand, a low number--and this is a really, really low number--means that it's completely gone and I'm back to normal.

I don't think I'll quit "looking over my shoulder" for a while yet, but this news definitely puts my focus on the future and sets the expectation that it will be a long one.

So now it's time to get that dentist's visit over with. Though a root canal is certainly no fun, I guess I'll need that tooth for a while yet so it's worth the investment in pain.

Doing the happy dance,

Clem

Walmart: Good vs. Evil

Someone pointed out a few days ago that I had stopped signing my posts on "Clem's Blog". It never occurred to me that there would be any question about who wrote what and I thought it might make it more interesting initially to guess who was posting. But again, not everyone thinks like I do so from this point on my posts will be in green text.

Sometimes we give things a bad rap just because it is popular to do so. Case in point Walmart. First off Walmart in the South seems to be different than Walmart in the West. Maybe I am wrong about this but my observations are that in the south EVERY Interstate exit has a Walmart and a Cracker Barrel. Consequently many Southerners who have witnessed the death of all the locally owned businesses in their community due to Walmarts domination of the market place have a bad taste in their mouth over this phenomena. I am one of those Southerners.

At any rate I still find myself looking for something that I know I can find immediately at Walmart and I take the easy way out and shop there myself. Two days ago I was in just such a situation. I wanted a small "I am living in a camper" sized crock pot. I have been eating from a crock pot since I was a kid and thoroughly enjoy coming home in the evening to a dinner that is ready to be scooped onto the plate . I knew that Walmart would have one and within 3 minutes of entering the store I was holding a crock pot perfect for the production of a two person dinner.

The place was packed of course and I found myself wandering around not so much looking at the "stuff" there but at the people. I remembered the days when I headed in a beeline to Walmart after picking up the kids from school, having no groceries at home for tonight or for lunches tomorrow, kids yelling out for school items that they had to have, and needing a new pair of panty hose to wear to work in the morning. What a blessed place Walmart was back then.

Passing by the school supply isle brought back lots of memories and for a few moments I felt shame for all the Walmart bashing I have done since my children have grown up. I watched young army men load their cart with CASES of ramen noodles, Mexican families putting Christmas presents in lay away, and elderly people riding around in motorized carts purchasing what looked like just enough food to keep them alive for the next week.

One of the things I love about travel is observing the culture of the area and I am here to tell you that Walmart definitely has a culture of its own. Walmart customers are dominated by a certain portion of the American socio-economic scale. They are busy people hustling to make ends meet and attempting to get the most efficient use of their time and money. In this respect I certainly feel like Walmart plays and important role in providing for the community.

So why am I writing about Walmart? Well I had one of those moments when I was there buying my crock pot. You know the moment. When you look around at something that just happened and no one else seems to think it is remarkable but you and you have this strange sense that you are in the twilight zone or maybe you passed out and are dreaming? This is what happened.

I am watching the army guys loading up their ramen noodles wondering how long it will take them to consumer the huge quantity in their buggy when a lady on the loud speaker says, "Attention Walmart shoppers will the person who owns the blue VW beetle please go to your car it is rolling through the parking lot". Her voice wasn't alarming just matter of fact and I immediately began looking around for someone to start dashing through the doors. I even walked up to the exit so I could witness the show. I was laughing out loud but when I looked around me I could not find one, not one person who seemed to have heard this or think that it was strange.

Feeling like maybe people were too preoccupied to hear the announcement I actually commented to a few people about the car rolling through the parking lot and they looked at me like maybe I was there with the people on the short bus. I think it was the second announcement about five minutes later that sealed it for me. Again the same lady with essentially the same message, " Will the owner of the blue VW beetle go to your car it is still rolling through the parking lot". Again nothing. No reaction. No comments. No laughing. Then It hit me.

Living with the fear of your car rolling through the parking lot was a valid concern for many of the people there. I actually began to wonder how many had had that experience. Probably a greater percentage that we could ever realize. Humbling isn't it. I suddenly realized that I have forgotten about the struggles that I had raising a large family and that my life has not always been as charmed as it is right now.

I left Walmart that night with a different attitude. I realize that the people who write bad things about Walmart are people who have the money to afford to go somewhere else to shop. Yes their stuff is cheap, yes they bully their suppliers and put people out of business, yes they are not always good to their employees, BUT many people NEED them especially right now. There are alot of people out there right now thrilled to have dented cans of green beans for half off and the thought of buying "organically grown produce" at three times the price seems insane and is just not an option.

So what did I take home from there other than the crock pot? A personal resolution to walk a mile in someones Walmart shoes before forming arrogant opinions. Hopefully it will help me be a more "real" person.

No more Drama

Today I am glad that we put together this blog. You forget so many things during times of stress . I have been reading through some of the old posts this morning and I have found it quite cathartic. For some reason I am one of those people who does not like to cry or meltdown publically so over the course of my lifetime I have gotten very good at bottling things up. We all know what that does to you. So one of my goals on this trip is to begin taking better care of myself physically and to attempt to release myself from the stress bonds of the past year. Unfortunately that means reliving it and taking another look at what happened.

Fear is an interesting emotion. It is a necessary emotion for survival but if you let it have it's way with you it can dominate your life. I read alot about fear at a very early age and began developing ways to keep it from immobilizing me. Why did I do that? Because I was afraid of alot of things both real and imagined. It is the imagined fear that will get you. I call it the "what ifs". As you can imagine I really had to fight the "what ifs" during Clem's recovery. Not always having the time or the energy to sort out the real from the imagined I simply refused to let any fear in. Another reason for this was Clem. We are connected on a very deep level and I knew if he sensed fear in me it would trouble him and suck out much needed healing energy.

So what do I have now? A confusion about how to react to daily life again. A life without all the bombs and shrapnel falling around me all the time. I find that I am very non-reactive to most of the drama associated with life here in the United States and the important things to me have been reduced to just a handful of things. Where does that put me? Well I am happy. The fewer things I possess and the simpler my life becomes the richer I feel.

I want to sell our house in Chattanooga and all of our "stuff", sell the house in Alabama, and my car and live in our Bambi Airstream. Yeah I know that sounds crazy to you but you would be surprised at how freeing that it is. It takes me five minutes to clean house, there is no yard work, if the weather turns bad you just move on down the road, and the world is your home. I can't imagine that it gets better than that.

However, I have been advised to give the past year time to settle and make sure this is the right thing. Honestly, I don't really believe in the concept of the right thing. I have always believed that this life is my gift and I get to run it however I want. So shouldn't that mean that the right thing is my personal decision? What a mouthful. At any rate that is what we are doing in honor of some people that I love and care for very much.

After reading through the blog again today surprisingly I still feel no fear. I am not afraid of Clem's cancer returning, I am not afraid of him dying, and I am not afraid of my own death. What am I afraid of? Not living. Not living every minute of every day. It seems so remarkably clear to me that so many people around me are caught up in the daily grind of working so fiercely in order to pay for houses and cars and stuff that far exceed their basic needs that they are missing out on their opportunity to just live. To enjoy their children growing up, to take the time to form meaningful friendships, to bond with their spouse, to explore and be amazed by the world, and to talk to old people or people who are not like you. I believe that this is where life takes place not the mall. But then again this is my life view and how I am experiencing my life. As I said before everyone gets to create their own .

What else have I taken from this blog today? An extreme sense of love and appreciation for all the people who were there for us EVERY DAY! Maybe not in physical presence but most definitely in heart. It was very empowering to know that I could call sooo many people and they would be there for us in just a heartbeat. In a day and age when so many people are discouraged by the turn that the world has taken it is renewing to know that "real people" are still alive and thriving and that you too can join in the club.

For those of you who have followed our blog I wish you a day of peace and reflection. In this busy time of the year when society has forced us all into consuming rages don't forget to take the time to look at the other people around you and attempt to understand their life. Don't rush, don't worry. Look for something "real" out there today. Give you kid a hug and your time not money, tell you boss you can't work late, go for a walk and look at the sky and the beautiful scenery, spend some time alone relaxing. Just remember that life is a beautiful gift...don't waste it on the drama.

I love you all.

Pam

Pictures and not words

I put together a few of our favorite images for you to enjoy. Nothing fancy. The music is simply for your enjoyment. It is the August Rush Symphony. I used this just because I enjoyed the movie and this bit of music. If you haven't watched the movie...you should. Also I had to compress the images so they might be a bit fuzzy but you'll get the idea. Enjoy.

Trailer Life

Our new Bambi Airstream rocks!! Of course it helps that we also have a brand new Ford Truck to haul it across country. The tow system on the truck makes all the difference and the Bambi seems easier to pull than our Casita. It is awesome to see Clem constantly admiring his truck. I don't think there has been a single feature that he has complained about. Unfortunately our cousin Jerry just bought a Jeep with an auto start feature and we have been coveting that while staying here in cold cold Reno and getting out at 7:00 a.m. every morning. Are we getting old or what?

Currently our little Airstream is parked about 2 miles away from Clem's office. It is a quiet little place with a row of efficiency apartments running along one side of the park. It seems that most of these people are living here. There are none of the glitzy amenities available to attract tourists to visit just a nice clean laundry with 20 year old washers and dryers that do the trick but take all day. There is a school bus stop at the end of the road and in the morning I watch all the kids leaving their travel trailers to walk out to the bus stop to catch their ride for school. Frequently my mind races while wondering what it must be like growing up in a place like this.

Our trip so far has been great! Clem and I both seem to be regrouping and finding a place of peace again. We always have lots of time to talk on the road and we have had a huge break through in our communication level so that we spend more time enjoying each other and less time sorting through the confusion/misunderstandings. We have laughed alot!! Both at each other and at ourselves. Enjoying life seems to be coming very easy now.

Clem's health has improved dramatically in the last two weeks. His strength is coming back rapidly and most importantly his newly re plumbed GI tract seems to working efficient. More efficiently than we ever thought would happen again!! This has been a wonderful surprise to Clem and his confidence level has soared. He is also becoming accustom to being bald. I think he is more handsome that ever because as you know chicks dig scars!!

Our travels have taken us through Amarillo, Texas to visit with our son Logan and his family. We had an awesome time with them. Our Granddaughter Lorelai is truly a live wire. She is a confident intelligent self sufficient little girl and we wish we had had more time with her. Logan and Lindsay seem to be doing well after losing everything they owned in a fire this summer. He has a new job which he seems to be enjoying and we are very proud of them for the life they have made for themselves and the great parents that they have become. Remember how hard it was at this time of your life? Sometimes I think we forget our own past when looking looking at our children's lives.

Tired of being cold Clem and I spontaneously decided to visit Sedona, Arizona and check out the beautiful red rocks. All I can say is photographs and description could never do this place justice. We took the truck on its first four wheel drive excursion then hiked up a tall peak to watch the sun go down. Clem seemed totally renewed by this experience. He is truly a mountain man and the higher he goes in this world the happier he is!! It was a magical evening.

When we started our trip we got word that Clem's cousins Jerry and Caroline were going to be nearby at Lake Havasu, Arizona. They are such fun people that we decided to detour there for a few days and check out the area. The place was amazing, the weather was great, and the company just a fun as we expected. We did some canyoneering and hiking through the desert while also sleeping in a little extra in the morning and resting our bones from the long days of driving across country. Caroline's mother Dorothy was also there. She is 93 years old and still kicking up her heels. Her body is moving a little slow these days but she can still keep Jerry put in his place. Dorothy should be an inspiration to us all. She is a happy satisfied soul who seems to take each day at a time and enjoys whatever comes along.

Okay I seem doomed. I wrote about the rest of the trip and it seems to have been lost in the great internet black hole. I will write again later or tomorrow. Don't you just hate it when this happens?

Family First. Then...

It's a blog entry from the road! We might just transform this thing from a boring cancer blog into a much more exciting travel diary. But first, let's take care of some long-lost family.

We got off earlier than expected, late at night on Tuesday, November 10th. Our start was something less than "auspicious", though, as it began in the pouring rain with a hole ripped in the roof of our brand-new (to us) Airstream Bambi. We got in a bit of a hurry and didn't communicate well what was going on, resulting in a minor crash into the gutter over the carport. Aarrgghh! Even so, with our new perspective on what's important in life it was the work of only a few minutes to mash a little Mighty Putty into the hole and seal it for good. Or at least until we can get a proper repair done.

Though it was late, it was still good to pull into my (Clem's) parents' house in Alabama. We visited for a little while, then went to bed, eager for an early start in the morning. We enjoyed another of mom's wonderful breakfasts and hung out for the entire day. I got a bonus--some time with my daughter, Kara. She's so much fun to hang out with that we lost track of the time and I was just a little late for dinner. Kara and I are often surprised that we "get" each other's humor and seem to view the world through such similar lenses. Few people do, it seems. Wyatt and Lisa brought my adorable neice Sophie over, while Janette and Buddy brought my other adorable neice and nephew, Savannah and Cameron. We didn't do anything special, but it was great to just hang out with each other.

I'm posting this from Elk City, Oklahoma, USA. It's just a tiny place about halfway between Oklahoma City and Amarillo, Texas. (Pronounced "nothing" and "nowhere", respectively.) :) We are at home in a little KOA park that has provided us with a great place to bunk in, and also some sweet WiFi.

Tomorrow we'll see my son Logan, his wife Lindsay, and their baby (my granddaughter) Lorelei. We always have fun with them, so we're looking forward to this weekend.

After that, we'll continue westward and see where our journey takes us. Dusting off our wings and living to fly!

Clem