No more Drama

Today I am glad that we put together this blog. You forget so many things during times of stress . I have been reading through some of the old posts this morning and I have found it quite cathartic. For some reason I am one of those people who does not like to cry or meltdown publically so over the course of my lifetime I have gotten very good at bottling things up. We all know what that does to you. So one of my goals on this trip is to begin taking better care of myself physically and to attempt to release myself from the stress bonds of the past year. Unfortunately that means reliving it and taking another look at what happened.

Fear is an interesting emotion. It is a necessary emotion for survival but if you let it have it's way with you it can dominate your life. I read alot about fear at a very early age and began developing ways to keep it from immobilizing me. Why did I do that? Because I was afraid of alot of things both real and imagined. It is the imagined fear that will get you. I call it the "what ifs". As you can imagine I really had to fight the "what ifs" during Clem's recovery. Not always having the time or the energy to sort out the real from the imagined I simply refused to let any fear in. Another reason for this was Clem. We are connected on a very deep level and I knew if he sensed fear in me it would trouble him and suck out much needed healing energy.

So what do I have now? A confusion about how to react to daily life again. A life without all the bombs and shrapnel falling around me all the time. I find that I am very non-reactive to most of the drama associated with life here in the United States and the important things to me have been reduced to just a handful of things. Where does that put me? Well I am happy. The fewer things I possess and the simpler my life becomes the richer I feel.

I want to sell our house in Chattanooga and all of our "stuff", sell the house in Alabama, and my car and live in our Bambi Airstream. Yeah I know that sounds crazy to you but you would be surprised at how freeing that it is. It takes me five minutes to clean house, there is no yard work, if the weather turns bad you just move on down the road, and the world is your home. I can't imagine that it gets better than that.

However, I have been advised to give the past year time to settle and make sure this is the right thing. Honestly, I don't really believe in the concept of the right thing. I have always believed that this life is my gift and I get to run it however I want. So shouldn't that mean that the right thing is my personal decision? What a mouthful. At any rate that is what we are doing in honor of some people that I love and care for very much.

After reading through the blog again today surprisingly I still feel no fear. I am not afraid of Clem's cancer returning, I am not afraid of him dying, and I am not afraid of my own death. What am I afraid of? Not living. Not living every minute of every day. It seems so remarkably clear to me that so many people around me are caught up in the daily grind of working so fiercely in order to pay for houses and cars and stuff that far exceed their basic needs that they are missing out on their opportunity to just live. To enjoy their children growing up, to take the time to form meaningful friendships, to bond with their spouse, to explore and be amazed by the world, and to talk to old people or people who are not like you. I believe that this is where life takes place not the mall. But then again this is my life view and how I am experiencing my life. As I said before everyone gets to create their own .

What else have I taken from this blog today? An extreme sense of love and appreciation for all the people who were there for us EVERY DAY! Maybe not in physical presence but most definitely in heart. It was very empowering to know that I could call sooo many people and they would be there for us in just a heartbeat. In a day and age when so many people are discouraged by the turn that the world has taken it is renewing to know that "real people" are still alive and thriving and that you too can join in the club.

For those of you who have followed our blog I wish you a day of peace and reflection. In this busy time of the year when society has forced us all into consuming rages don't forget to take the time to look at the other people around you and attempt to understand their life. Don't rush, don't worry. Look for something "real" out there today. Give you kid a hug and your time not money, tell you boss you can't work late, go for a walk and look at the sky and the beautiful scenery, spend some time alone relaxing. Just remember that life is a beautiful gift...don't waste it on the drama.

I love you all.

Pam