Into the Blue

Sometimes I am so glad that we have this blog so I can really know what goes on inside of Clem's head. Yes I was there when we got the CEA results and we did rejoice and I did the happy dance but all those emotions that Clem described on this blog were not visible even to me. He should play poker. There were misty eyes but of course they were quickly wiped away and if I had not continued to throw confetti and twirl around in the parking lot no one would have known that anything significant had just happened.

I remember the day in Mexico that the Doctor told me that Clem had cancer and I was waiting around for him to wake up so I could tell him. The entire world shifted for me at that very moment and I stood in the sunny hallway slowly breathing in and out, drawing as much energy as possible from the beautiful sunshine and the power of our love in order to prepare myself for the moment when his illness became reality for him. My mind rushed but not with fear or anxiety like you would think but with memories of special moments that we had shared under the water, on top of mountains, deep inside caves, and in the remote wilderness. I was satisfied in the knowledge that if Clem was to die the one thing that he would not have to feel was that he had wasted his life by leaving a long list of undone adventures. Embracing this thought actually made the task easier for me.

Telling Clem he was seriously ill was much like being with him when he found out he was well. There were no obvious emotional or physical signals just the quiet relaxed look that we all have seen stretched across Clem's face for years. I hugged and kissed Clem in celebration as we kept going back to the report to make sure that we had read it correctly and then he took my hand and we walked out the door for the parking lot. As we walked out into the beautiful day the world for me shifted once more.

It may sound strange that this shift was harder than the first but it was. Before, there was a battle to begin, a strategy to develop, and an army to assemble. The choices in life were being made for us and our jobs were clear. Now with the battle won the choices have fallen back into our laps and the gift that we hold in our hands is very precious. We now see the gift in the fragile form that it has always had but we could not see until it was shattered and had to be put back together. How do you protect such a thing but still enjoy it to the fullest?

So that is where we are. Attempting to regroup and form a life of meaning. We have started this journey by loading up our camper and planning a trek across the country. Clem has pulled out ALL of his gear. Those of you who know him understand what that means. At first I was frustrated at this because of the mountain of stuff that invaded the house but then I realized that he needs to go back to all the memories that these things bring so he can decide where he wants to go now. There seems to be only a few things that he wants to do. See his son and visit with his granddaughter, attain his recertification for his industrial rope work, and rock climb. So this is our plan.

I do not want to romanticize what has happened to Clem and I over the past year but there is a beauty that develops between people who face intimate and life challenging moments together. After sitting in the hospital for more than a year I have been able to indentify those who have developed such bonds by the contentment and comfort they have with each other. I also have a clearer picture of the reasons why man and woman choose to spend their lives and their deaths with each other. This realization has been overwhelming beautiful to experience.

And now??? Where do you go from here? We don't know. It doesn't really matter. All that matters now is living. Real living. Not television, not shopping, not politics, and definitely not housework!!! All I want now is to relax, to shed all the ideas of what once was important, and to open myself up into a being capable of perpetual learning. A maleable creature that develops their ideas based on what they personally see and feel and know to be true. I want to walk down that road holding hands with my beautiful husband who has taught me so much about life and living already no matter where it leads.

So off we go into the wild blue day by day and minute by minute.

Pam