Comfort Food

Today was a sunshine day! We are fortunate to have a very good room this time both in size and the fact that we have an entire wall of windows. This morning we woke with a new attitude because sleep was plentiful and pain was subdued. Clem actually woke me at 4 a.m. to help with a few things and then to talk. He also was hungry and asked for some chicken noodle soup all positive signs in my book. My conversation didn't last too long because I crashed in mid sentence but around 5 a.m. the daily grind began around here and I slept in little 30 minute spurts until around 9 a.m. Clem on the other hand returned text messages and surfed on the computer in the wee morning hours.

Breakfast, walking, and bathing took up the next few hours and then we were met by the ostomy nurse who conducted about an hour training with us on how to care for and replace all the "gear" that he will be wearing for the next six weeks. Clem sat in the chair for about an hour during the training and afterwards I actually got to bathe and sneak downstairs for some brunch. When I returned I found both the Doctor and a few family members lined up to see Clem and wish him well. The Doctor again was very positive and mentioned sending us home sometime this weekend. We also got a surprise visit today from our liver surgeon, Dr. Charles Portera, who is our hero!!

Clem's Mom and sister came for a few hours today from Huntsville and we had a wonderful visit with them. His family has been very supportive and loving and it has meant so much to both of us. This evening we both crashed for a few hours of sleep which was so restorative for me. Clem on the other hand does not feel so well right now and I think he may have over done it a bit. Food is not his friend just yet and he has been having more nausea and just a bit of vomiting. I think the balance of food/fluids and output is going to be the real challenge for a while. The Doctor is weening him off his IV fluids so he can begin training his body to consume large amount of fluids.

It is very frustrating to watch the hospital food come. He consumed more of the liquid diet than any of the solid food they have brought him mostly because it looks so disgusting. I think that we should force hospitals to ban serving their patients turnip greens unless they actually ask for them. When you were home from school sick did your Mother ever bring you turnip greens as a comfort food? No of course not she made chicken soup or potato soup, milk shakes, yogurt, or maybe tomato soup and grilled cheese...never turnip greens. Greens are categorized in my book as a preventive food not a recovery food. You eat them when you are healthy to stay that way because that is the only time you can get them down. Sorry ranting again!!

This evening as I sit here writing I am remembering being in this place before. The place that is slow and steady one step forward and sometimes one step back. I am concerned for the first time about Clem loosing weight because he is having such difficulty with eating. I am trying to center myself and remember that it is still really early in the game and that this can turn around fast. We have been very focused on Clem maintaining his weight. He has actually gained about five pounds over the past few weeks while off treatment and in anticipation of this phase of adjustment. We read when he was initially diagnosed that 40% of cancer patients die from malnutrition and we decided early on to do everything we could not to add any numbers to this statistic.

It is 8 p.m. and the lack of noise in the hall indicates that the shift change has taken place and the floor is settling down for the night. I can see the lights of the city beginning to spark from our windows and I am wishing that they were open so I could smell the scent of fresh rainfall in the air. This place is very foreign to me. Clem and I live with the elements. Our windows are open at every opportunity and our heat and air conditioning are last ditch efforts for comfort instead of the norm. I am unaccustom to a man made environment and when it is still and quiet here I become aware of my lost connection with nature.

It is these rare quiet times that I am able to regroup and remind myself of the very few things that we need to do in order to survive this. My experience so far tells me not to think too far ahead that it will make you crazy and cause you to loose focus and become afraid. So I am now watching him rest peacefully and reviewing all the events of the day sorting out the information that is important for his recovery.

Being helpless is a deep black hole for me. I attempt to avoid this feeling by having a plan and implementing it daily. Sometimes I drive Clem crazy doing this but he does recognize that it helps me to maintain my sanity. Right now my plan involves patience. I possess very little of this quality naturally so I have to work at finding activities that allow me to at least appear patient. I am not his primary caregiver here. He has a staff of 15 professionals at his disposal at any given time and even though I jump in to help most of the time I am just a cheerleader. I think that is why I blog so much at the hospital because I am trapped in a small room and my brain can be very busy while blogging.

I think it is time for me to go and forage for food. Clem appears to be resting well and my tummy is reminding me that brunch at 11 a.m. was the last time that I addressed this issue. Maybe if I am lucky they will be serving left over turnip greens in the cafeteria. YUM!