Wingardium Leviosa!

This entry's title comes from the Harry Potter series of books. It's the spell used to make things lift up and hover in the air. On Tuesday I learned that there are other spells that are equally effective at that "magic" trick.

When they do a big operation on you, they install a drain to keep your insides from filling up with fluids. I had one with my liver, so I wasn't surprised to see one when I woke up from my colon surgery. It's a little rubber bulb with a long rubber hose on it, maybe 3/8" or 9mm in diameter, that sticks inside you through a hole. From time to time through the day it fills up with liquid (some blood at first, then just liquid stuff) and has to be emptied. It's kind of annoying, but no big deal while you're in the hospital.

By this week, however, it wasn't draining much any more and I was definitely ready to have the nasty thing out and gone. A quick phone call later and the nurse was waiting for me at the hospital. Last time, when they pulled it out, I had no idea what to expect. It turned out to be nothing too bad at all. Kind of strange, as there seemed to be about three feet of hose in there, but it didn't exactly hurt or anything as they yanked and tugged.

So I was sitting there on the table, calm and with a good understanding about the whole procedure, happy to demonstrate my unflappable cool to the nurse as she pulled the first foot or so out. I must have missed her incantation (wingardium leviosa!) but I sure felt myself lift up off the table! Pam said I screamed something unprintable and hovered about one foot in the air, with a death grip on the nurse's hand and hose. YEOW! The hose had snagged on something in there and it HURT LIKE HELL. After all that I've been through, pain hasn't really been a problem for me until that second. I was breathing like I'd run a marathon, sweating heavily, and not at all eager to continue. The nurse, bless her heart, was as calm as could be, patiently watching her hand being crushed and me levitating there.

Pam suggested that I lie back, but the nurse and I realized that I wouldn't be lying back for long once she jerked that hose again. For the second pull, I braced (mentally taking a big slug of whiskey and putting a big leather strap between my teeth like they do in the Western movies) and gave the nod.

What came out was not merely a plain hose, but about another foot or so of hose with a huge plastic thing on the end of it! Pam said it looked like a brush. I thought it was like a little flat strip with a long hole in it for fluid collection. My insides told me it was one of the longline fishing tackles they use for catching sharks in the ocean, bristling with hooks and maybe a shark or two thrashing there as well.

Once it was out it was done, so I floated back down to the table and sat there breathing for a while. The nurse disposed of the hated thing with quick efficiency and smiled as she restored circulation to her hand. It took me an hour or so to come back from the adrenaline dump. Pam sped the process considerably by taking me by the Sonic for a little ice cream on the way home.

I've been laughing at myself ever since, to think that I was screaming like a little girl at the least of the medical procedures I've endured over the past year. It just goes to show, you can't relax for a minute around here. Mad-Eye Moody said it best: "Constant vigilance!"