Polyester Moo moo's and diapers

I don't like to post when I'm not feeling well or down because I learned a long time ago that nobody wants to hear about YOUR "stuff". I can't tell you how many times people have asked me about Clem or myself only to listen long enough to segue into their own saga which of course is much worse. During the course of Clem's illness this blog is the place where I have verbalized my feelings the most and I think it could be because you guys only comment with words of encouragement and hope. We both need that so much right now.

We have spent most of the week in silence. Negative thoughts have been running around in our heads and our dreams. Night time has not been our friend. I have been restless in my sleeping and Clem has had all sorts of foreign signals coming from his newly reorganized body which have caused him to visit the bathroom over and over until the early morning hours. I am unsure how we got here but we have both been in a bad head space. I feel horrible because I haven't been able to be there for Clem this week. Oh I have cooked for him and done the laundry and made sure he was not in an emergency situation but I haven't had the energy to give much more. He has felt terrible one minute and fine the next and basically this is just another bad patch that he is going to have to wade through...again. His face has been full of pain and frustration and I can tell that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't blame him.

We are now alone in our house. Jessica, Nic, and Adley have moved out into their own place near Alex and it was great to see them so excited to jump out on their own. I think they stayed longer than they had planned just to support us but as Adley grew larger the house grew smaller and it was time for them to seek larger accommodations. We will miss them and the experience of helping them start their own lives will be a memory that we will always hold dear. There is a peaceful silence around the house that I have missed and I am hoping that the slower pace will give us a chance to recharge ourselves. We have both been cleaning and reorganizing as energy has permitted but our hearts just don't seem to be into much.

Wednesday we went to return some unused ostomy supplies just to get out of the house. The trip was very quiet and because I was driving, Clem examined the bill boards, businesses, and people that we passed with a critical eye. "We are circling the drain" he said while staring out the window. "We as in you and I or we as in humanity?" I asked. "You and I. You are on the verge of wearing polyester moo moo's full time and I am on the verge of wearing diapers." He looked at me and grinned then said "Isn't that some shit!" That comment was the "funny highlight" of the week for us. I for one have decided that if I am going to be destined to life of brightly colored moo moo's then I am going to have an awesome pair of cowboy boots from Mexico to match and a beautiful straw hat. I have no idea how he will accessorize his diaper.

Anyway, that gives you a little idea of where we are right now. I actually had a few moments of weeping this week that helped my attitude a bit but I am still topped out with the build up of stress from the last year and my body is screaming at me to let it go. Clem's body is screaming at him too. His calm resolve has turned to frustration and anger at times and he so deserves to have those emotions. Unfortunately they suck away what little energy he has right now and all those mantras about the bright light at the end of the tunnel and tomorrow is another day are just pissing us off right now. We deserve to be negative and just like everything else we do we do it whole hearted so this week has been bleak and dark and a huge struggle just to hang in there.

With that said, Clem is improving. We go back to the Doctor Tuesday to start chemo again. Two more months of that and his therapy will come to an end. I thought I had a handle on all of this until this week. I'm a realist. I know that life is not fair. I know that sometimes life really sucks. And this week I learned that sometimes it is okay to just be pissed off about that. It doesn't change anything but its okay.

SIDE NOTE: The correct spelling for this traditional hawaiian, flowing and colorful woman's dress is actually mu'u mu'u (correctly pronounced moo-oo moo-oo) .